


Come back to me. Don't ever leave.

by Annerp



Series: The Land of the Living [4]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Depression, Except where it is, Heavy Angst, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, It's going to be okay, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sexual Content, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Trauma, frostshield - Freeform, stoki - Freeform, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:56:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22548916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annerp/pseuds/Annerp
Summary: The remaining Avengers journey in to the quantum realm was a success. Those that were lost have been returned.  With Bucky Barnes back in Steve's life what does that mean for Steve and Loki?This is part 4 of The Land of The Living series. Recommend reading the other parts first if you haven't already.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, Loki/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson
Series: The Land of the Living [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1282964
Comments: 121
Kudos: 90





	1. Bucky 1

Chapter 1

Bucky

There are so many people. Too many really. And Bucky hates it. He hates the way their bodies press up against his, the way they smell, the sounds they make. It's awful and overwhelming. He longs for the cold not quite death of the cryo pod.

Bodies jostle past him, sweeping him up in the flow of people and he has to plant his feet to stop from being carried along.

"Bucky!"

For just a moment he considers ducking his head and allowing himself to be swept up in the sea of people. Just one more body. No different than any other. He could almost believe it, almost allow it to happen, right up until someone beside him stumbles and reaches out for the nearest support. The young boy flinches back when he registers the metal of Bucky's arm. 

Bucky mutters an apology. He isn't sure what for. 

“Barnes!”

He forces himself to look back towards the voice. There is a man pushing his way through the crowd, arms waving overhead. And still Bucky wants to duck down to lose himself. He turns his head away, hunches his shoulders and allows himself to be caught up in the stream of strangers. 

“James,” his name is a whisper, no more than a sigh. Feminine, soft, tired. It’s enough to draw him up short. 

He can’t stop his eyes from searching out an escape route, but one look at Wanda’s face and he knows he’ll stay. When she places a delicate hand on his arm and guides him effortlessly through the crowd he allows himself to follow hoping that she knows where to go, what they should be doing. Because he doesn’t. 

She leads him to T’Challa and Sam Wilson. It’s Sam who approaches pulling Bucky into his arms, huffing a breath against his neck. When he pulls back his eyes look frantic, haunted. It's something Bucky never expected to see. Sam is calm and reasonable. The one with the easy going manner that everyone likes, even Bucky, despite his best efforts. Seeing him like this strikes a fissure of unease down Bucky's spine. 

“We need to head to the palace,” T’Challa tells them as he turns and begins to walk. His tone is full of authority and the others listen if only because they don’t know what else to do.

The trek to the palace is long. Half a day's journey by foot. They are passed by hundreds of vehicles laden with supplies and aid workers to help the thousands upon thousands of people who, just like Bucky and his companions, have suddenly found themselves thrust back into the land of the living. 

Each time a vehicle stops upon recognizing their King, T’Challa waves them on, declining any assistance in favor of keeping the flow of help going steadily towards those who need it most. Bucky is grateful, even if his feet protest the walk and he feels light headed from the combination of hunger, heat and humidity. He simply isn’t ready to process the sheer enormity of what has happened and what it means for not only himself and his friends, but also the world. Instead he keeps putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward until he can’t anymore.

Bucky stops just outside the palace walls. His feet unwilling to carry him any farther. He can see three figures watching them approach and suddenly Bucky wants to be anywhere but there. He wishes he had stayed lost in the mass of people. When Sam rests a hand on his shoulder with a soft, “you okay?” he jerks his head ‘no’, but can’t explain why. Sam doesn’t seem to mind though and doesn’t press for any more. 

Maybe it’s shock finally settling in. Maybe it’s fear of everything being snatched away again. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If he really thinks about it though, Bucky knows. It’s the six foot wall of muscle and dirty blond hair of his childhood friend. The man that Bucky has gained and lost and gained and lost and gained and lost, over and over, for close to a century now. The pendulum may have swung to bring them back together, but for how long this time?

He knows Steve. Even from this distance he can see the way the man is bristling with barely restrained energy. Bucky knows it must be taking every ounce of Steve’s limited self control to hold himself back.

Beside him to his right stands Princess Shuri, posture relaxed, her hand raised in a wave the only thing revealing her own excitement. To Steve’s left is a tall dark haired man who stands stiff and formal, body language screaming the magnitude of how uncomfortable he is to be there. His gaze shifts between Steve and Bucky’s group warily several times until Steve takes his hand and holds it in his own. The move seems to have the effect of slightly calming both of them. Bucky has only a moment to wonder at that before Steve finally gives in and strides forward to greet them. 

Bucky doesn't step back, but neither does he move forward with the rest to greet Steve and then Shuri. He waits and watches as Steve first embraces T'Challa before releasing him to his sister. He then reaches for Sam, pulling him close and burying his face in the other man's neck. Sam runs his hands soothingly up and down Steve's back. The movement only draws Bucky's attention to the way Steve's back heaves with each breath. 

He can hear Sam murmuring in Steve's ear and watches the way Steve nods as he pulls away and turns to Wanda. Her face is already streaked in tears when Steve envelopes her small frame with his own. He holds a large hand to the back of her head keeping her close as she cries her grief and fear onto his broad shoulders. 

Bucky watches it all while trying not to intrude. He isn't the only one with a claim to Steve's friendship and care. Now isn't the time to be selfish with Steve's attention so he forces himself to wait until the blond finally looks his way. 

Steve doesn't pull Bucky into his embrace, rather he stops an arms length away, waiting for what, Bucky doesn't know. 

"Steve?" Bucky's voice is low and questioning. The blond flinches and his head swivels around to look at the dark haired man from before. 

The man hasn’t moved. He still stands stiffly as though he is watching over Steve. The blond doesn’t turn back until the man nods encouragingly. And then his voice is timid, his steps unsure.

“Buck?”

“Yeah Steve. It’s me.”  _ What happened to you _ , Bucky doesn’t ask.  _ I’m sorry for leaving you again _ , he doesn’t say.  _ Please tell me everything is going to be okay, _ he doesn’t beg. 

Instead he steps forward and pulls Steve into his arms, trying not to be hurt by the way Steve seems to be holding back. It is several long moments before the last of his resistance fades and he whispers Bucky’s name wetly against his neck. 

Over Steve’s shoulder Bucky watches the dark haired man walk back inside the palace. He has to wonder who the man is and what he means to Steve, but for now he focuses on his best friend in his arms, the way his shoulders subtly shake, the slightly too rapid flow of his breath and the agonized apologies whispered in his ear. 

  
  



	2. Loki 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of quick notes
> 
> 1\. This chapter includes some HEAVILY implied sexual content
> 
> 2\. This story is non linear
> 
> 3\. I am refusing to deal with gathering infinity stones, unsnapping and all that. I am engaging in a healthy dose of scientific hand waving and moving on.

Chapter 2

Loki

Loki stands at the back of the room watching as Steve talks to his team, making the final preparations for their foray into the quantum realm. He listens as Tony makes a cursory explanation of the science behind what they are about to attempt. Most of his attention is focused on Steve, the stiffness of his shoulders, the constant frown on his face. Loki knows what his role will be tomorrow. More importantly he knows what his role will be tonight. Steve needs him. For one more day. And Loki is determined to do everything in his power to take care of him. 

Back in their room Steve paces restlessly until Loki stands in his way. 

“You need to eat and to rest,” he tells the blond. He reaches out a hand to stop Steve as he tries to move around him to continue pacing. “I’m serious Steve.”

“I should probably go check on Tony, make sure he has everything ready.” Steve keeps his head down, not meeting Loki’s eyes. 

“No.”

Steve jerks his head up at that single word, eyes narrowing in challenge, but he doesn’t say anything. If Loki didn’t know him so well he would be fooled into thinking that Steve was going to agree. But he does know Steve and so he lifts his hand slowly, making sure the blond knows exactly what he’s doing, and cups the back of his head just behind his ear. Loki can feel the tension start to drain out of Steve’s body as the man exhales a deep breath. 

Leaning in Steve presses his lips against Loki’s neck and whispers into his skin, “okay.” He allows himself to be pulled along towards the bed and goes willingly when Loki nudges him to lay down. 

When Steve finally settles on the bed, having drawn Loki’s body halfway over his own Loki speaks. “What can I do to help you?” His fingers card through the hair behind Steve’s ear, a touch that would be unwelcome by anyone else. But he knows Steve finds it calming, much as Loki does when Steve kisses his neck. Both actions a way for them to sooth the other’s nerves.

He can see the way Steve’s throat bobs as he swallows with whatever he is struggling to say. When he is finally able to get it out, Loki is not really surprised. “Can you take control? Tonight. I don’t want…”

“Of course Elskan. Anything you need.” 

Loki takes his time. Steve needs his undivided attention and Loki needs to feel like Steve needs him at least for a little while longer. He knows everything is going to change tomorrow and so he pours every ounce of emotion and care into every touch of his fingers, every press of his lips, every stroke, every caress. 

All Steve has to do is feel and gasp and moan Loki’s name. And Loki files it all away, a precious memory to cherish in the aftermath of whatever comes tomorrow. 

\---

"What if something goes wrong?" Steve is laying with his head pillowed against Loki’s chest while the god strokes his fingers rhythmically up and down his back allowing Steve to voice his fears. "I let him down again. How can he forgive me for it this time?" 

Loki presses his palm against Steve’s back encouraging him to shift their bodies closer together. “You have not failed him. You have brought him back time and again. Tomorrow will be no different.”

“How can you be so certain?” 

\---

Long after Steve has fallen asleep Loki allows himself to indulge. He holds Steve's body close to his own and pretends that everything is over, that they have brought everyone back, Bucky Barnes is Steve's closest friend and Loki is still his lover. He imagines seeing Steve happy, truly happy with a smile that actually reaches his eyes. And even if it takes Bucky to make Steve that happy, even if Loki isn't nearly enough to do it on his own, at least he can still be there to witness it.

\---

Loki watches Steve charge ahead into the quantum realm in his desperation to save those that were lost. He was supposed to wait, to act with caution. But that is not Steve Rogers' way. Even in this.

“Loki.” The god turns to look at his brother. “Go.” Thor gives him a reassuring smile and gestures towards Steve retreating back. "We will follow."

Thor's support has been unwavering. Loki tells himself that at least he will have his brother even if his fears are realized and he loses Steve. He clasps Thor’s arm and nods before following after his lover. 

\--- 

“I don’t see him! I don’t see any of them! Loki?” Steve is shouting over the stream of people emerging from the portal. His expression is full of desperation, not the excitement and hope that it should be, almost as if he still doesn’t believe that they were successful in bringing everyone back, despite the obvious evidence surrounding them.

Loki works his way over to Steve and pulls him by the arm out of the crowd. “We should go to the palace and wait. There are too many people, we will never find them this way.”

For a moment Steve’s face flashes with irritation, but it is gone just as quickly as it came. “Okay. Yeah. Hopefully they’ll head there.”

“I’m sure he will. The aid workers will be processing people for quite some time. I don’t see your Bucky waiting around for that.”

Steve’s shoulders relax and he takes Loki by the hand pulling him a short distance away. “Can you take us?”

\---

Loki’s first glimpse of Bucky Barnes is as he stands beside Steve and Shuri on the palace steps. From a distance the man seems entirely unremarkable, but Loki only has to glance at Steve to know that Barnes can and will likely change his entire life. 

He holds Steve's hand when the blond reaches out offering reassurance through that small touch. "Go to him," Loki murmurs as he lets go.

Steve doesn't hesitate. Loki only does long enough to watch Steve embrace his other friends before finally being reunited with the one man that Loki cannot hope to compete with for Steve's love.

Bucky Barnes is someone Steve would die for. Selfishly all Loki wants is to be the one Steve would live for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki touches Steve behind his ear where Thanos struck and killed him and Steve kisses Loki's neck where he was strangled as a way to offer comfort to each other. This is a recurring theme throughout this series.


	3. Bucky 2

Chapter 3

Bucky

His hand is reaching out to knock on the ornately carved door before he thinks about what he wants to say. He hasn't had a lot of time to talk to Steve since coming back and doesn't want to wait any longer. It's not Steve who answers the door though and that throws him off enough that the question that has been lurking in the back of his head since first seeing Loki pops out of his mouth all on its own.

"Who are you to him?" Buckly is fairly certain that Loki has been expecting the question at some point based on his lack of reaction. That or he is exceptionally good at hiding his emotions.

Loki pauses, his hand stilled after opening the door to his and Steve's shared room. He doesn't step aside, doesn’t invite him in. Bucky can see the way the corner of his mouth tics up. It's not a smile.

"I don't actually know right now."

For some reason this makes Bucky feel just a little better. He recognizes that he’s being selfish. Steve isn’t his. Hasn’t ever really been his. At least not in the way that he thinks Steve may be to Loki. It bothers him to think about. Steve is his friend. He wants Steve to be happy. Steve deserves to be happy. And yet... 

"It must be hard to define yourself based on your worth to someone else." Bucky doesn't know why he says it. Maybe just so he can see the way Loki flinches ever so slightly. Or it might be a closer reflection of his own feelings, if he were willing to actually look at them.

"Yes. I suppose it is. And I think you may know something about that as well, Sergeant Barnes."

Loki's answer holds a ring of truth to it that hits close to home. Memories of marching back into camp after Steve single handedly rescued all those men of the 107th. Bucky watched as Steve was cheered as the hero that he always knew Steve to be, and he was proud. Proud and heartsick. Steve wasn't the same man Bucky grew up with anymore. He didn't need Bucky now. And where did that leave him? He tries to shake off the memory and focuses on Loki's stance. His hand is still held out, ready to close the door and shut Bucky out of whatever goes on in that room. 

He hasn't yet, though he turns his back to Bucky.

Bucky swallows around the lump in his throat. His mouth opens to say something. What comes out is a question he isn't really sure he wants answered. "Are you… um… together?"

Loki turns back around and his hand tightens on the edge of the door, fingers twitching. He meets Bucky's gaze straight on. His face may read as slightly confused, but Bucky isn't fooled. Loki knows exactly what he's asking. That fact is made apparent when he responds, "are you?"

"What?" 

“Or do you merely want to be?”

Bucky takes a step back. Whatever answer he expected that wasn't it. Before he can wrap his head around a response Loki continues.

"He is not here. Not right now. You can find him in the gardens. Behind the wall edging the path to the central fountain."

"Why there?"

"When he," Loki pauses, appearing to consider his words carefully. "Sometimes he needs to feel the earth beneath him and something solid at his back." Loki's lips twist into something that could be interpreted as a smile, even if it is fraught with sadness. "I suspect you already know that about him."

The thing is, no, Bucky didn't know that.

***

He finds Steve exactly where Loki said he would; sitting on the ground, back against the wall. He’s not wearing his uniform and instead has on a pair of dark cotton lounge pants and a dark green t-shirt. It suits him. Makes him look softer, less frantic the way Bucky see’s Steve in his memory. 

Steve pulls his knees up closer to his body and rests his arms over them. He tilts his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. The crease between his eyes is there, that much hasn’t changed. This is the Steve Bucky remembers, the one that can’t put down his burdens. Bucky knows he is a big source of them. 

He watches Steve pull out a cell phone and make a call.

“Hey,” he says into the phone. His lips curl up into a smile, brow smoothing. “I think I’ll spend a little more time out here. When I get back maybe we can eat and go for a walk. The gardens are really nice.”

His voice gets softer, lower when he speaks again. “I know this is hard on you.”

Steve pauses, listening to whoever it is that’s on the phone. Then he nods his head and says, “alright. I’ll see you later Loki. Tell Thor I said ‘hi’,” before ending the call.

He’s smiling again. 

“How long are you plannin’ on standing there?” Steve asks as he puts his phone away. 

Bucky snorts a laugh and rolls his eyes. He gestures to the ground next to Steve, silently asking to sit. The blond simply tilts his head in response.

They don’t talk for the longest time until Steve, ever the impatient one finally asks, “what’s on your mind Buck?”

“Who is Loki?”

The look Steve gives him is unreadable and Bucky briefly wonders where Steve learned to mask his feelings like that, until he realizes he saw a similar look on Loki's face just minutes before. 

Steve shifts a little on the ground. “He’s Thor’s brother. The attack in 2012, that was him-”

Bucky cuts him off. “I know that. I meant who is he to you?”

There’s that smile again. It looks good on Steve. Bucky is keenly aware that Steve must be purposely letting him see it. He's changed so much while Bucky was gone. Even in the short time they've had, Bucky can see how closed off Steve has become, more guarded, wary. He continues before Steve can respond. “I stopped by your room. He told me where to find you.” Bucky runs his fingers over the dirt digging little furrows with his fingers. “And I, uh, asked him the same thing.”

Steve nods, but doesn’t speak.

“He said he doesn’t know.”

Bucky can feel when Steve jerks beside him, clearly startled. When he looks, the crease between Steve's eyes is back and there is a frown on his face. 


	4. Steve 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to see Steve's POV of first getting Bucky back.

Chapter 4

Steve

Steve isn't sure he would be able to remain standing if Loki didn't have his fingers woven delicately through his own. That small point of contact is enough to ground Steve. The murmured 'go to him' enough to propel Steve forward. 

First it's T’Challa with his stoic wisdom, then Sam and his soft reasurances, Wanda with her kind heart. And then there is Bucky. And Steve’s heart aches almost as much as when he watched his friends disappear before his eyes. This time the ache is different, not the sudden sharp pain of destruction and loss, this is the ache of a muscle well used, a sore spot that hurts when poked, but that is healing over time. 

When Bucky says his name, Steve flinches back as his mind replays the last moments they were together on the battlefield and the way Bucky said his name just like that, before he watched Bucky turn to ash.

Instinctively his eyes seek out Loki. He thinks about the way Loki let Steve cling to him the night before, the way he patiently listened as Steve talked about everything that makes him love Bucky Barnes. He resolutely doesn't think about any of the other things Loki did for him that night.

He takes in the set of Loki's shoulders, even the way he stands. Steve knows he's been doing it again. Taking from Loki over and over, giving almost nothing in return. But then Loki nods, encouraging Steve to seize this moment and hold it for everything that it's worth. And he does, because Loki is… Loki is… And Bucky is right there.

“Buck?”

“Yeah Steve. It’s me.” Bucky steps forward and pulls Steve into his arms.

Steve breathes deep against Bucky's skin taking in the familiar scent of earth and cedar that he will always associate with his youth, cramped apartments, chilly rooms, not enough food and illnesses always lurking in the periphery. Not that he cherishes those memories, only the man in his arms that made most of it bearable. 

With Bucky by his side the nights weren't as cold, he wasn't as lonely, his grief was eased and his pains were tempered against the moments of joy and contentment that Bucky brought to his life. 

Bucky Barnes was a pillar of strength for Steve to lean on when he was too weak to stand on his own. And it's in this moment that Steve realizes that much like with Loki, all Steve ever did was take. 

His eyes flit over to where Loki had been standing only to see the man gone. He understands. Once again Loki is giving him what he needs; time to reconnect with his best friend. 

…

"I wasn't expecting you back." 

Steve chooses to hear the unspoken 'so soon' at the end of Loki's statement. 

"They all went down to medical to be checked out." Steve shrugs his shoulders trying to disguise the restless motion as nonchalance. "I was just getting in the way."

Loki runs his eyes over Steve's body before turning his attention back to the book he had been reading when Steve came in. "I'm sure it would have been fine if you had stayed."

"What're you trying to get rid of me?" 

Steve tries for levity, it doesn't quite work when Loki looks up at him and quietly says, "never."

A shiver runs down Steve's spine settling into his nerves in a low hum. It feels good. Like carefree smiles and a full belly, clear lungs, a beautiful day, money in your pocket and no worries, but also more. Warm bodies pressed together, lips caressing skin, touches lingering over sensitive flesh, like everything Steve has always wanted.

And it's wrapped up in a dark haired man, with a strong body and an even stronger mind. He has lived through torture, brainwashing and abuse, through being used as a tool to commit atrocious acts. He has been left for dead and made to turn against those that love him. And despite everything that has been done to him, he still willingly gives himself. To Steve. Without question.

Steve isn’t so foolish as to not recognize the similarities. He is also smart enough to be aware of the differences.

…

"It's a lot Steve. I lost more time ya' know. Like being back in cryo." Bucky rubs his hand over the stubble on his jaw and waits for a response that Steve hasn't worked himself up to yet. "I can't decide if it's worse or better for me than the others since I've been through it before." He pauses again, but Steve stays silent. "Sam seems to be handling it the best. The asshole." The last is said with a chuckle that pulls a smile from the corners of Steve's mouth.

"So what are you planning on doing?" Steve asks, hoping his nerves don't show for fear of influencing Bucky's decisions. 

"I'll stay here. For a while at least. Maybe move back out to the country and get some more goats. I kinda liked that." 

Steve thinks back with regret about the fact that he never found the time to visit Bucky during that period. He would have liked to see it. Maybe this time he can. 

"We're all getting set up for therapy, so I'll probably stay in the palace for at least the first few weeks of that." When Steve doesn't respond, Bucky prompts, "what about you?"

“Haven’t really given a lot of thought to therapy.”

Bucky barks an unattractive laugh, “not therapy. Well, actually, yeah you need to do that, but I meant what are your plans?”

“Oh!” Steve blinks slowly as his eyebrows draw together. “I guess I just assumed we’d stay here. I’m ready to take a step back. From it all. And I think Loki’d like it here. Not sure he’s up for living on a farm or anything though.”

Steve smiles to himself when he imagines Loki feeding some chickens, playing with baby goats. It’s a cute picture, but he doubts Loki would be satisfied for long. They’ll have to talk about it and figure out what they’re going to do. For all that Steve wants to stay close to Bucky, he also needs to make sure that Loki is happy. 

He misses the frown that flits across Bucky's features, only sees the smile strained at the edges. 

Steve resolves to give back to Bucky. He can be the pillar for Bucky to lean on.


	5. Thor 1

Chapter 5

Thor

“Loki,” Thor sighs as he watches his brother pace the length of his and Steve’s shared room. “You are assuming the worst and-”

"Three days. It has been three days and I have seen him only when he sleeps."

“I don’t think Steve means to push you aside.”

“That is the problem brother, you don’t think at all,” Loki snaps.

The bite in Loki's tone is so familiar that Thor feels a little nostalgic. He also feels a little frustrated and honestly he’s a bit hungry. Which probably isn't helping. “Loki, I have always admired how intelligent you are. You’re so quick with words, possess so much knowledge. And yet in certain matters you are laughably ignorant.”

Loki fixes him with a look that in their youth would have had Thor scrabbling for their mother's skirts. But, centuries spent with his brother have taught him that Loki is not likely to turn him into a frog or any other manner of creature, yet.

“Does he come back to you at the end of the day?”

“He has no other choice! I am in his room.”

“Loki,” Thor fixes him with a reproachful look. “This is a large palace. I can assure you that if Steve wanted to sleep elsewhere, he would have no trouble finding accommodations.” And just because Thor wants to push a little more he adds, “I’m quite sure he could even stay in Sergeant Barnes’ room if he desired it.”

The way Loki’s hands spasm at his sides, tells Thor that he hit the nail on the head. It also reminds him of the last time he spent an afternoon as a cricket. “So the issue is less about Steve and more about his friend.” Thor tempers his voice with kindness, fully aware of his brother's sensitive heart and knowing that poking at it is the quickest way to exploring the palace gardens as a lizard. 

“Barnes is his best friend, they have been through so much together.”

“So have the two of you,” Thor counters.

“I have made so many mistakes, done so many terrible things. There is so much blood on my hands. I am damaged at best.”

“You know of Bucky's history. And yet Steve loves him still.”

Thor is trying to reassure Loki, but the dark haired god only pulls further in on himself. “How can I compete with that?”

His heart aches for his brother. Thor has long wished for Loki to find, if not happiness, then at least a measure of peace and he truly believes Loki has found it with the Captain. “It’s not a competition Loki. The heart wants what the heart wants. I think you already know that.”

…

“Steve!” Thor breaks into a trot to catch up to Steve as he exits the gardens with a dark haired man. Thor has to assume this is the infamous Bucky Barnes.

Steve smiles brightly as the blonde god approaches. “Thor, I’m glad you caught us. I’ve been wanting to introduce you to Bucky.” He gestures to the dark haired man.

Thor has a vague recollection of seeing him on the battlefield just before Thanos got the last infinity stone. “It is a pleasure to meet you Bucky. Steve has told great tales of your adventures together in your youth.”

Bucky gives a small laugh and extends his hand. “Good to meet you. Steve’s told me a little about you.”

“Ah, well then, maybe we should make a point to get together and share stories about him.” Thor keeps his tone light, making sure Steve understands he is only teasing.

The gleam that shines in Bucky’s eyes tells Thor that Bucky is very much on board with some teasing at the Captain’s expense. He’ll have to make plans to meet up with Bucky, but for now…

“I was just visiting with Loki.” Steve looks a little sheepish and Thor can’t decide if that makes him feel better or worse. “He mentioned you’ve been quite busy these last few days.”

Steve’s face flushes high over his cheek bones as he rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah, um, you know. I’ve been trying to make sure Bucky and the others get settled back in.”

“Naturally.” Thor agrees. He flicks his eyes to Bucky hoping for some support, but not really expecting it since he has no idea what, if anything, Bucky knows about Loki.

To his relief Bucky speaks up. “Stevie I’m gonna head back to my room and rest up for a little while before dinner.”

Steve opens his mouth to protest and Thor wants to smack him upside the head. Luckily Bucky saves him the trouble. “I’ll see you at dinner. You should probably spend a little down time yourself.” He turns his attention to Thor. “I’ve got a couple of great stories from back in Brooklyn if you want to hear them.”

Thor gives him a grateful smile and they both set off towards Bucky’s room leaving Steve by himself. 

As soon as they are out of earshot Bucky grumbles, “greatest tactician of a generation my ass. Just as oblivious today as he was seventy years ago. So what can you tell me about Loki and Steve?”

Thor blinks at the sudden question, but doesn’t hesitate to respond. “Have you asked Steve?”

“Yes, and he gave me this long winded speech about how much Loki helped him. He seemed real keen on wanting me to like him.”

“Loki and Steve helped each other and they became quite close.” 

“How close?” Bucky asks. 

Thor doesn’t detect any malice in the question, just a sense of curiosity. Still though it doesn’t feel right to divulge more information than Steve has already volunteered to Bucky. 

He must take too long to answer so Bucky continues. “Steve has an emotionally repressed stick up his ass. Always has. I just don’t want to see him screw something up that could be good for him.”

Thor throws an arm around Bucky's shoulder with a good natured chuckle. "Well then, he is indeed a good match for Loki's lack of emotional awareness."


	6. Steve 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve can be kinda dense some times.

Chapter 6

Steve

For the second night in a row Steve wakes up alone. He knows Loki was in their room when he went to bed last night, but this morning he isn’t there. Steve hasn’t slept alone in so long that it leaves him feeling off kilter all morning. When Loki still hasn’t shown up by the time he is ready to leave to have breakfast with Bucky, Steve scrawls a quick note on a piece of paper and leaves. 

When he comes back later that afternoon he can tell that Loki must have been there. There is a blanket laying on the couch, a half drank cup of tea, long since gone cold, and an empty glass on the coffee table. The note he left that morning is crumpled up next to it. 

Steve picks up the blanket and holds it to his nose, taking a deep breath, allowing Loki’s distinct scent to relax him. He finds the book Loki has been reading on the nightstand next to the bed. It wasn’t there this morning. Which means Loki came back to the room and went to bed after Steve left. 

He’s been so busy the last couple of days with Bucky and the others that they haven’t had much time together. And Steve can’t begrudge Loki for not sitting around all day in their room. But he misses him. Steve knows the types of places that Loki likes when he is alone and needs to think, they are the same ones Steve himself tends to seek out, so he heads to the garden and the wall that surrounds it, hoping to spend at least a little time with him before meeting back up with Bucky for a late lunch. 

What he finds is nothing. No trace of Loki. He does however find Sam as he wanders the palace. He tries to make small talk, asks how Sam is doing, but his anxiousness must be more noticeable than he thought.

“Out with it Rogers. What’s got your panties in a bunch?”

Steve grimaces and ducks his head. “That obvious?”

Sam doesn’t reply, just crosses his arms over his chest, giving him an expectant look. 

“I was looking for Loki. You haven’t seen him have you?”

“As a matter of fact, I have.”

When Sam doesn’t elaborate Steve lifts a hand and makes a rolling gesture for Sam to continue. “And…”

“And we had a good chat. Seems like a pretty decent guy actually.”

That makes Steve smile and look down at his feet. “Yeah. He’s pretty great.” He looks back up and asks, “what’d you talk about?”

Sam starts to walk down the hallway towards the rooms where he, Bucky, Thor and the others have been staying. “Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that.” Steve gives a frustrated huff at Sam’s non answer. “Mostly we talked about his plans,” he adds, taking pity on the blond while also prodding at him at the same time.

Following along after Sam Steve asks, “his plans? What plans?” He can feel a knot forming in his gut. 

“You don’t know? I thought for sure you two would have talked about it.” 

Sam’s tone is casual, but Steve can tell the statement is much more pointed than that. The knot in his stomach grows into an ache. “We haven’t really had a chance to talk much. I’ve been busy.” Even to his own ears it sounds pathetic.

They don’t talk for a few minutes as they continue down the hallway. The entire time Steve’s mind is on Loki. He almost startles when Sam speaks up.

“So what is Bucky planning to do? Is he going to stay here?”

“He’s gonna stay here in the palace for a little bit and then probably move back out, get some more goats. Live the simple life again.” Steve smiles as he thinks about Bucky living the life he deserves. Raising goats is a far cry from their life growing up in Brooklyn, but if it makes Bucky happy then Steve will be happy for him. “What about you? Are you planning on sticking around for a while? Or heading back home. I know you haven’t seen your family in a long time.” Sam hums and Steve gets the distinct sense that the man is irritated with him. “Did I say something wrong?”

Sam stops walking and crosses his arms over his chest again. “Are you…” He pauses, pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. “I’m meeting Wanda for lunch, but before that I’d like to recap our conversation just to make sure I have it clear."

“Okaaaayyyy,” Steve drawls, unsure where Sam is going with this. 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Bucky.” Steve opens his mouth to respond, but Sam holds up a hand to silence him. “You’ve talked about what he plans to do. Sound right so far?”

Steve nods, but wisely keeps his mouth shut.

“In the few minutes we’ve been talking you asked if I’m going to stay here or go home. But Loki, the guy you say is ‘really great'," Sam uses air quotes to emphasize his words, “the guy you’ve essentially been living with, you have no idea what his plans are?”

Steve’s mouth opens and closes several times as he thinks of and rejects several responses. “I’ve been busy, you know.” He can hear the whine in his own voice. “There just hasn’t been the time.”

The look he gets from Sam could rival his own ‘Captain America is disappointed with you’. His tone is even worse. “I’ve talked to him. Thor has talked to him. Even Bucky had a brief conversation with him. Wanda hasn’t though. You wanna know why?” Sam looks as if he doesn’t actually care if Steve wants to know or not. “The only reason she hasn’t talked to him is because she hasn’t actually taken the time to. That's it. That's the only reason. Hasn't taken the time." Sam lifts an eyebrow at Steve and waits for the inevitable realization. It doesn't take long.

_ Oh. _ Steve furrows his brows and looks down at his feet as his cheeks burn with shame and the knot in his stomach turns to nausea. 


	7. Loki 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Loki's talk!

Chapter 7

Loki

Loki's first reaction to the knock on the door is to pull the blanket wrapped around his arms just a little tighter and wait for whoever it is to go away. His next reaction is one of annoyance as he crumbles up the note Steve left him earlier and tosses it on the table. Why can't he be left alone? Steve is out with Bucky, again, and so logically Loki should be left alone to his own devices. His third reaction is to hurry to the door as his heart speeds up with worry that something may have happened to Steve.

What he finds on the other side is Sam Wilson's easy going smile. It grates on his nerves just a little.

"Hey," Sam greets with a casual flick of his hand not quite developed enough to really be called a wave. 

"Steve's out " Loki tries to moderate his voice. To his own ears he is only partially successful, but he forces himself to ignore the slight tremor of uncertainty he can hear.

"I know. I thought I'd come by and see how you're doing."

Sam's statement is so unexpected that Loki simply stands aside and let's the other man walk in and sit on the couch. 

“I talked to Thor for a little while this morning.”

Loki eases himself down into his chair, pulling the blanket over his lap. “Ah. Yes.”

When Loki doesn’t elaborate Sam just gives him an expectant look. The silence unnerves Loki and makes him want to fill it. His hand gets halfway to his neck before he can pull it back to his lap. The way Sam tilts his head tells Loki that the movement did not escape his notice. 

"Is there something I can help you with?" Loki asks. He replays the question over in his head trying to determine if he used the right mix of tones. Not annoyed per se, but also not overly enthused for the company. He thinks he did alright.

It's hard to say though, based on the way Sam just smiles and says, "nah, like I said just stopped by to see how you're doing."

Loki purses his lips together as he thinks. The easy answer would be to say he's fine and send Sam on his way, but somehow the words won't come out.

Instead, to his horror, he finds himself confessing to being lonely and feeling abandoned now that Bucky Barnes is back in Steve's life. He even goes so far as to question Bucky's upbringing, manners and taste in music. Of course he has no reference for any of that, but he's starting to think that he may be angry with Steve and not just hurt by his inattention. 

"Look, I'm gonna be honest with you." Sam has relaxed into the couch with one arm up over the back. "When I first met Bucky, I hated him." Loki has to cough over the laugh that tries to escape at the blunt statement. Sam catches it though and chuckles. "Maybe hate is a little strong. But you know what I mean. I was like 'this guy is bad news and Steve doesn't see it'. He was so focused on bringing Bucky back that nothing else really pinged on his radar. It was kinda ridiculous if you ask me."

Loki gets up and fixes himself a cup of tea, asking over his shoulder if Sam would like any.

"Waters fine."

He is pouring his tea when Sam speaks up again. "What's the story with you two?" 

Loki had known it was only a matter of time before the questions started. "If you were to ask his team,The Widow, or Barton-"

"I'm not asking them," Sam interrupts, calm as ever.

Loki hums under his breath, hands Sam his water and makes himself comfortable in his chair again before he continues. "Maybe you would be better served asking Steve."

Sam's mouth pinches for a second then smooths out into his usual smile. Loki wonders if his cheeks ever get sore from it. "I will. But now I'm asking you. I like to get to know the people that are close to my friends."

Shifting in his seat Loki fidgets with the edges of the blanket in his lap. "We just are." He gives a small shrug of his shoulder knowing both the gesture and his explanation are inadequate. Sam only continues to gaze at him, waiting for something more. Loki finds himself floundering, searching for the correct words. "I am here to help Steve. To give him what he needs."

"And what exactly is it that he needs?" 

Loki knows what Steve needs, but this is the first time he has had to articulate it. "He needs to feel safe. Like he has some control." Loki finds himself warming to the topic, liking the idea of expressing to one of Steve's friends just how many of the blond's needs went unmet before. "And to know that he can give up that control sometimes and have someone who supports him, someone to take care of him. He needs companionship and a place to be angry and hurt without judgement. He needs peace and stillness. Intimacy."

"Sex?" Sam asks, body leaning fractionally forward.

"Intimacy," Loki repeats a little more forcefully, enunciating each syllable clearly. "One does not necessarily equate to the other."

"And you give Steve all these things that he needs?"

"I give him all of me." Loki speaks so softly for a moment he thinks Sam may not have heard him. 

Sam shifts back on the couch again. "I would ask you why, but I think I already know." Abruptly Sam's tone shifts and he smiles brightly again. "What are your plans now?"

He's been thinking about his options now that Steve's circle is complete again. Everytime he comes close to making a decision though he puts it off, too selfish to walk away from Steve yet. Facing down Sam Wilson forces him to do it. "I think I may spend some time with my brother. Other than Steve, he is the only one to find me tolerable."

"Oh I don't know, I seem to be tolerating you pretty well." Sam pauses a beat with that easy smile on his face to gauge Loki's reaction. The tight press of Loki's lips is telling. "Is your brother planning on staying here? I was under the impression that Steve was thinking about staying for awhile." Sam quirks an eyebrow and asks,"you aren't planning on pulling a runner on him now are you?"

Loki huffs. "Steve no longer needs me by his side. He has Barnes and he has you. His team…" He flutters his hand uselessly as he trails off. 

"Ok, let's say you're right and Steve doesn't need you anymore," Sam concedes as he stands and walks to the door, "did you ask him what he wants?"

Before Loki can answer Sam is already letting himself out. 


	8. Steve 3

Chapter 8

Steve

  
  


Steve finds Bucky and stays just long enough to cancel their lunch plans. Then he rushes back to his and Loki’s room only to find Loki gone. Frustration wells up inside him and he has to consciously make an effort to not let it get the better of him. If he’s feeling like this when Loki is only gone one time, he can barely imagine what the god has been feeling while Steve has been absent so often. The thought causes a twist of nausea to rise up in his belly.

He promised Loki. He promised to stay by his side. And he promised himself that he would stop taking from Loki. And he failed. Again. He worries that he may not even get the chance to fix this. 

Sitting on the edge of their bed, he holds his head in his hands and thinks about the way Loki supported him when he was too weak to support himself, the way he stood by Steve’s side as an equal, or the way he would take control and lead Steve where he needed to go. He thinks about the way Loki’s eyes sparkle with mirth or shine in his grief. He thinks about the way he would touch Steve so tentatively at first and then with more confidence and purpose as their relationship grew. 

Steve tries to slow his breathing when he recalls their conversation before going into the quantum realm. He had been so focused on getting Bucky back that he was nearly blinded to Loki’s pain. He thought he understood, thought he knew what Loki was feeling. It's only now he finally realizes that Loki knew all along. He fully expected Steve to do this to him. And he stayed anyway. 

He only hopes that he’s not too late to do something about it.

***

As much as he wants to race into the throne room and plead for T’Challa’s help, he holds back, waiting just outside until he can hear the meeting taking place inside wrapping up. He doesn't want to ask for help, but after several fruitless hours of waiting and then searching for the god, Steve still can’t locate him. Talking to Thor did not provide any information either and so now he finds himself before the King.

“Steve! Please come in,” T’Challa calls out cheerily when he notices the blond. 

Steve doesn’t miss the way T’Challa’s eyes sweep behind him as if expecting someone else to be with him. He wonders if the King expected to see Loki or Bucky. He’s afraid to ask. 

“How have you been settling in? Are your accommodations to your liking?” 

Gesturing towards a chair Steve silently asks for permission to sit. With a nod of T’Challa’s head he flops gracelessly down and then looks sticken when he realizes what he did in the presence of the King, within the throne room. T'Challa just waves to dismiss his concerns with a smile. And then waits expectantly for Steve to speak. 

“You have been most generous and gracious. We cannot thank you enough for everything you have done.”

“Nonsense. It is I that should be thanking you for your efforts to bring us all back.” He moves to one of the chairs closer to Steve and relaxes back into it with a relieved sigh. “The throne is necessary for appearances, but it is awful on my back. Now, why don’t you tell me what I can help you with?”

"I can't find Loki," he blurts out with all the self control of a toddler in a toy store. 

There is a flash of something across T'Challa's features that Steve can only interpret as exasperation. "Have you tried calling him?"

Steve blinks at him and pulls Loki's phone out of his pocket. "He left it in our room."

A low hum is the only response he gets.

"I've tried looking for him, asked around. No one's seen him since this morning."

T'Challa shoots him a thoroughly unimpressed look. "Is it not unusual for you to be apart for long periods during the day? I understand you have been quite busy yourself lately. Perhaps Loki has merely found a suitable way to occupy his vast amount of free time."

He doesn't say it, but Steve can hear the admonishment in the other man's voice. He sinks down into his chair, covering his eyes with his hands. "I've messed this up so bad haven't I?"

"If you are willing to admit your mistakes then you are partway to fixing them. Now what can I do to help?"

"Is there a way to find out if he is still here? I need to talk to him. To make this right."

T'Challa is nodding before Steve has even stopped speaking. "I can have all of Wakanda scanned for his image. If he is here, we will find him. Whether or not he is receptive to speaking with you when we do, is his decision."

"Thank you." Steve can feel some of the tension start to seep from his shoulders. Until the King speaks again.

"And what else may I help you with?"

Steve swallows down his nerves and a large chunk of his pride. For Loki. He can do this for Loki. "I need help." He pauses to take a breath when his voice cracks. "I know you have been providing help, um," he scrunches his eyebrows together as he pushes the words out, "for everyone that came back. Someone to talk to. And I think, maybe I should...I dunno, I think I should talk to someone too. You know. About all this." He waves a hand around as if the gesture is enough to convey his need to talk about the entirety of his existence. It's not. He knows it's not, but it's all he can do right now. "I need to be better. To do better. And I need help figuring out how to do that."

"Of course Steve." T'Challa's voice is soothing, a cool balm over Steve's over sensitive nerves. "I'll see to it right away."


	9. Sam 1

Chapter 9

Sam

  
  


If he’s honest with himself Sam feels a little like they’re ambushing Steve. Sitting with Bucky in his room waiting for the blond to come back certainly would seem that way to an outsider. But Steve has been alternating between being frantic or depressed in the hours that Loki has been gone and he's uncomfortable leaving him alone for any length of time.

T’Challa, true to his word, was able to get Steve in to see a therapist almost immediately and he’s been there for the past two hours. Sam has enough experience in this area to know that Steve is going to come out of his appointment feeling overwhelmed and raw. He’ll need time to process, but Sam also knows Steve has a tendency to spiral and obsess if left to his own devices.

He’s going to need support and the person Steve has been leaning on for that isn’t here. In addition to all that, Sam doesn’t want Steve to be alone when he finds out that T’Challa hasn’t been able to locate Loki anywhere within the Wakandan border. 

When Steve walks through the door he looks exhausted. His eyes are rimmed in red and his hair is standing up in spikes as though he has repeatedly run his hands through it. His expression flickers between weariness and sadness when he looks around and doesn’t see Loki.

“Hey buddy, how was it?” Sam asks, keeping his voice low and soothing. He gestures to the empty chair for Steve to sit while Bucky jumps up and gets him a glass of water. 

Steve ignores the question, but takes the seat and the glass of water, although he doesn't drink any. He watches the water slosh around in the glass before setting it down with a shaking hand. “Loki?”

“We haven’t been able to find him,” Bucky answers. "Yet," he adds with a wince at Steve's wounded look. He glances at Sam as if asking for permission to continue. “T’Challa’s scans came back and as far as he can tell Loki isn’t in Wakanda.”

At first Steve doesn’t say anything. His mouth opens and closes several times before he sits back fully in the chair with his head tilted back against the cushions. Sam can see moisture trying to escape Steve’s eyes despite how tightly he has them closed. “I don’t know what to do.” 

Sam doesn’t have a good answer to that so he guides Steve to safer territory. “When do you go back to see your therapist?” 

“Tomorrow. He says we have a lot to work on.” The humorless laugh he gives, trails off into a quiet hiccup that Steve quickly smothers with a hand over his mouth. "I'm such a mess." 

"Hey, it's okay to be a mess sometimes. The important thing is you've started working on it." Sam isn't sure if anything he can say is going to help at this point. He looks at Bucky to see if he has anything to offer.

The dark haired man nods and leans towards Steve's chair. "I've started seeing the therapist I had before. I made a lot of progress with her then and she's helping me now. I think this'll be good for you too."

Steve's throat bobs when he swallows and his chest heaves with a great sigh, but he doesn't verbally respond.

"I know you-" Bucky stops when Steve's pocket starts playing the tune to 'Iron Man'.

Steve fishes his phone out and frowns at the screen before swiping to answer the call. Sam watches as Steve's entire demeanor changes and suddenly Steve is all business as he pulls his Captain America persona around him like a protective shield.

"Cap! Hey! Glad I caught you!" 

Steve puts the phone on speaker to respond. "Hey Tony. What's going on?"

"Just thought I'd call to check in. And to ask if you've lost anything recently."

"Lost anything? Like what?"

Sam's eyes widen as he makes a guess as to where this conversation is going. One look at Bucky tells him he's thinking the same thing.

"Oh you know, a little something over six foot tall, dark hair, green eyes, extra broody."

Steve is on his feet in an instant as the mantle of Captain America slips off again. What's left is a desperate, heartbroken man. "Loki? Where is he? Tony? Is he with you? Sam, see if T'Challa will let us use a plane. Tony, where is he?"

Bucky waves Sam off, miming to him that he'll go talk to T'Challa about a plane before slipping out the door.

On the phone Tony is trying to get a response out between Steve's rapid fire questions. "Whoa there. Calm down. He's in the usual place." There's a slight pause, then, "if you're still in Wakanda then what's Loki doing back here?"

Sam can see it coming the moment before it happens. Steve's lip starts to quiver and his breath speeds up, one hand trying to smother the sob that threatens to escape, the other wrapped tightly around his stomach. He grabs the phone and takes it off speaker.

"Tony it's Sam. We'll be there in a few hours. Try to keep him there if you can."

"If he wants to leave I'm not sure I can stop him. I mean, he's Loki."

"I know. Just do what you can. Call me if anything changes. We're on our way."

"Is this anything I need to be worried about? We've got civilians here and I don't want to put them at risk."

"No, nothing like that. This is between Steve and Loki. We'll be there as soon as we can."

He disconnects the call just as Bucky slips back in the room. "T'Challa's got us sorted. We leave in fifteen minutes."

"Perfect." He turns his attention back to Steve who is staring at him wild eyed. Little distressed sounds have started slipping through the fingers still covering his mouth. "Steve, do you know what he meant by 'the usual place'?" He asks gently.

Steve's hand drifts down to his neck. "The compound. Where we… where he came back… after. We spent a lot of time there."

"Okay." Sam cast his eyes around the room trying to figure out if they need to take anything. He decides they don't. "Let's go."


	10. Loki 3

Chapter 10

Loki

  
  


The wall at his back and earth beneath him is reassuring, calming in a way that he desperately needs. This place, where he first came back, holds so many memories; conversations with Steve, quiet moments alone, peaceful days and even more restless nights. The only thing missing now is the quiet rhythm of Steve breathing beside him. 

That’s a sound Loki has become used to, has grown to cherish as a treasure to be hoarded and kept safe. From the soft whisper across his skin while Steve sleeps, the jagged gasps when waking from a nightmare and everything in between.

When he first saw Steve Rogers all those years ago in Stuttgart, he would have never dreamed of a future with him and now that he has had a taste of what could be, he is loath to let it go so easily. But a milenia of heartache and disappointment has taught him that the safest person to guard his heart is himself, even if he has so often failed. 

To break free of his upbringing, of Thanos’ hold on him, of death itself and find himself standing shoulder to shoulder with Steve is something that Loki is not sure he deserves even as he so desperately wants it. He finds it almost fitting to have his grip on happiness loosened by a dark haired man with a metal arm and a history shared with Steve that Loki can never hope to replicate. He bonded with Steve over death and Bucky Barnes bonded with him over life. How can he ever hope to be enough.

***

He doesn’t hear him approach, but Loki could never forget the essence of the man before him. Being in someone’s mind will do that. Nothing good can come of this encounter, but Loki owes it to Clint to make eye contact and acknowledge his presence. 

“Steve finally come to his senses?” Clint’s tone is more mocking than questioning. If Loki didn’t agree at least a little bit, he might have let it bother him more than it does. “He’s too good for you.” That’s another thing they agree upon. Loki doesn’t say it outloud. He doesn’t say anything at all. 

“Should’a stayed dead.” 

Loki hears the noise and knows what it is even before he looks up and sees the gun pointed at him. “I tried to. It didn’t take.” It’s probably not a good idea to antagonize Barton, but Loki is beyond caring. He’s tired and heartsick and the one thing he wants most in the universe is half a world away, completely unattainable. 

“Yeah, real shame about that.” A third thing they agree on. 

Clint takes a step closer and for a fleeting moment Loki wonders if this time it will take. Just as quickly he realizes that he doesn’t really want it to. Not this time. Steve may not want him anymore, but he wouldn’t want Loki dead. He’s a better man than that and this would undoubtedly hurt him. And Thor has already suffered so much after watching Loki die. He doesn’t want his brother to go through that again and certainly not at the hands of his team mate.

“Clint! What’re you doing!” Loki looks up at his would-be saviour having missed his approach in his distraction. Tony Stark. An unexpected development to be sure, even if Tony was never actively hostile to him when he stayed at the compound before. “Put the gun away and come back inside.” 

For a beat Clint doesn’t react and then just as suddenly as he appeared, he lowers the gun and retreats back over the wall towards the compound with a parting shot over his shoulder. "You know they were lovers right? Steve doesn't need you anymore now that Barnes is back."

There is a moment of near silence after Barton leaves where the only sound is Loki's harsh breathing and Tony's restless shifting.

"You can come in too. No need to sit out here in the dirt. You can stay in your old room."

Loki takes a breath to steady himself and allows his confusion to show on his face. "Why? Why be kind to me?"

A look of distress passes over Tony's features, quickly replaced by a bored expression that Loki can recognize as fake. His tone though belies how uncomfortable he is. "I'm trying out something new. Figured I'd see how it feels to be nice." He gives a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders before heading back to the compound.

Loki spends a few minutes contemplating Tony's offer, but ultimately decides to stay outside. 

***

The gait of the approaching footsteps is one Loki will forever recognize. The second and third set he does not, but can guess.

When Steve comes over the wall, the blond makes to sit down next to Loki, but the god scrambles to his feet to keep some distance between them. He doesn't miss the hurt that settles on Steve's face. A small petty part of him is relieved to see it. 

"You left. Why did you leave?" 

And how does Loki even begin to answer that question. Part of him wants to pull Steve into his arms and allow himself to indulge his selfish desires. Part of him wants to just disappear again. Find someplace far away from this heartache. He isn't delusional enough that he can't admit that in coming to the compound he had hoped Steve would come after him. But the rest of him is angry because even though Steve did come, he brought Bucky Barnes with him.

It's the anger that wins out. Though he is able to temper it somewhat. "I left because you no longer need me. You have your friends back, your Bucky. There is no place for me in your world anymore."


	11. Steve 4

Chapter 11

Steve

  
  


“Steve, you need to sit down and stop pacing.” Bucky’s eyes follow his friend’s path back and forth across the small cargo area of the plane T’challa leant them. 

Steve shoots him a glare that Bucky ignores and continues pacing. Bucky just huffs in response.

“What if he takes off before we get there? Or he won’t talk to me? What if I lose him?” Steve runs his hand through his hair leaving it a disheveled mess. “I’m such an idiot.”

“Yeah. You kinda are.” Bucky shrugs and just accepts the scowl Steve gives him. “Have you thought about what you’re gonna say?”

“What am I supposed to say to him? ‘Hey Loki, I’m a complete idiot and I’ve broken every promise I made to you’?” Steve flops down in the seat next to Bucky and starts picking at the seam on his pants. 

“Well… I’d probably start with apologizing. Throw in a little groveling.” Steve glares at him again and Bucky ignores it again. “And I would also suggest that you stop letting your guilt complex and self doubt ruin your relationship.”

The glare slips from Steve’s face, only to be replaced by confusion. “What?”

“You heard me. You’re sabotaging your relationship.” 

And the glare is back again. “No i’m-”

“He’s not wrong!” Sam calls out from the cockpit. 

“Yes! He is wrong,” Steve yells back as he resumes pacing.

Bucky watches Steve and gives an exaggerated sigh. “Yeah, you are. Because you feel this misplaced guilt over every bad thing that you think you should have been able to prevent. You act like you don’t deserve to have this.”

“Loki and I’ve been together for awhile now. Why would I start sabotaging things now? That doesn't even make sense,” Steve argues.

“Sam! You got this one? Stubborn ass never listens to me,” Bucky yells, allowing the other man to address Steve’s question.

“Yeah. Steve, get up here so I don’t have to keep yelling.”

Steve shoots one last nasty look at Bucky before heading up to sit in the co-pilot's seat next to Sam. He doesn’t say anything though, just waits for the inevitable. He knows Sam won’t keep him waiting long. He also knows Sam won’t parse words.

“Look,” Sam glances over at Steve before returning his attention to the controls, “we’ve talked before about you finding what makes you happy.”

Steve nods and reaches a hand up to start fidgeting with the controls in front of him. 

“And I get that when you two first got together it wasn’t about being happy. It was about surviving and finding comfort.” He looks over at Steve again then pointedly shifts his eyes to where the blond is randomly pushing buttons. Steve pulls his hand back with a sheepish look. “But even though the bond you made is still there, you don’t need that from him anymore. You have to decide what you want, what makes you happy. And if it’s Loki then you have to figure out a way to allow yourself to have that.”

When Steve doesn’t answer Sam looks back over at him. “Steve, you deserve to be happy and you can’t keep carrying around all this guilt. Bucky’s back, we all are. You saved the world. Again. We’re your friends and it hurts us to see you doing this to yourself. If nothing-”

Sam is cut off when Steve’s phone rings and he reaches to answer it. 

“Tony! What’s going on? Is Loki still there?”

“He’s still here. What’s your ETA?” 

Steve can hear in Tony’s voice that he is holding something back. “About an hour. Is everything okay?”

“I’ve got Nat keeping Clint occupied right now. He found out Loki’s here.”

This time is Sam who speaks up. “Try to keep an eye on them both if you can. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

Steve ends the call, but doesn’t put his phone away. He scrolls through his contacts, finger hovering over a number as he makes one of the most important decisions of his life. “I’m gonna go call the therapist T’challa got me, set up some more appointments.”

***

Sam lands the plane and Steve is out the door before the engines have even shut down. He needs to get to Loki and that is the only thought in his head. 

He drops down over the wall to sit next to Loki, but stops when the god jumps to his feet and puts several feet between them. The movement and the expression on Loki’s face send a lance of pain through his chest. His voice wavers when he opens his mouth to speak, “You left. Why did you leave?" Instantly he knows that was a mistake.

Even so, the flash of anger on Loki’s face startles Steve until he follows his gaze over his shoulder to where Bucky and Sam are now standing. His heart sinks when Loki responds. "I left because you no longer need me. You have your friends back, your Bucky. There is no place for me in your world anymore."

Steve opens his mouth to say something, anything to deny that he doesn’t need Loki any more, because he does, he needs Loki like he needs air, more importantly he wants Loki, wants what they have built between them. But the god is already speaking again.

"I thought I could do it. I knew I could never be enough. But I thought I could step back and let him have you. I thought I was strong enough to do that. For you. Even after everything," He reaches a hand up to his neck, "after Thanos… this…" his eyes shift from Steve to where Bucky is standing back with Sam, "this is too hard."

Steve can feel the air being sucked from his lungs. It's not supposed to be like this. It can't end this way. "No. Please don't say that." Steve takes an abortive step forward, hand outstretched, but Loki is already gone.

"No!" Steve shouts, spinning frantically looking for Loki, hoping to find him, even though in his heart he knows it's too late. He sinks to his knees and covers his face with both hands.

He doesn't see Sam and Bucky's silent communication behind him; the way Bucky shakes his head to keep Sam back, head tilting towards the tree line. But Steve does hear Sam's hushed, "this was a mistake. We should've brought Thor."


	12. Loki 4

Chapter 12

Loki

  
  
  


The shuffling steps and crunching of branches would be enough to give away Sam's approach even if Loki hadn't seen him working his way through the tree line.

He doesn't say anything as he moves to stand next to Loki. Both their eyes are locked on Steve's form as he kneels on the ground, hands covering his face. They're far enough away that Steve's words are distorted just enough to be unrecognizable. 

Loki watches Bucky drop down in front of Steve. A small whine escapes his throat at the way Steve leans towards Bucky. In the not too recent past it would have been him to comfort the blond. 

"He doesn't want you to leave," Sam finally says. 

By the wall, Bucky has a hand on Steve's shoulder, squeezing gently as he speaks. The blond shakes his head, face still buried in his hands.

Loki hums softly. "I'm not sure he wants me to stay. Other than from the misplaced sense of guilt and responsibility that he carries around."

"It's not my place to tell you what Steve is feeling, that has to come from him, but it's not guilt or responsibility, at least not with you."

Loki merely hums again. His eyes flicker between Steve and Bucky while he thinks. He's waiting for something, some sign to tell him that he shouldn't leave, something to explain to himself why he only went as far as the treeline.

Sam must have figured that out as well. "You're not ready to walk away from him yet. That's why you're still here."

Pulling up his best approximation of a sneer, Loki snaps half heartedly, "maybe I simply wanted to see them together for my own eyes. Watch Steve be comforted by his lover. Rip the proverbial bandage off, as they say."

Sam's head jerks around to look at him. "You know they're not together right? They never were, not like that." 

He turns back to Steve and Bucky, still on the ground. He had thought, and Barton said, it seemed logical that they were lovers. Something eases in his chest, just enough to allow a deep breath through. Steve's hands are resting on his thighs as he sits back on his heels he's nodding his head slightly.

"Do you love him?"

The question catches Loki off guard. It's not that he doesn't know the answer. He's had plenty of time to think about it and examine his feelings for Steve. It scared him at first, knowing how tenuous his hold has been on the few people he has loved. Losing his grip on Steve was really not all that surprising and yet he is still here. 

"I'm still here," he echos the thought out loud for Sam's benefit.

"Yeah. You are."

At the wall, Steve hunches his shoulders in as they heave. His hands are covering his face again. Bucky shifts forward on his knees and pulls Steve's body into his chest.

The blond throws his arms around Bucky's waist and buries his head against his friend's shoulder. 

Loki watches Bucky's hands move; one sliding around Steve's back to run up and down trying to soothe the other man. His other hand comes up and rests against the back of Steve's head, just below his ear.

"Damn," Loki whispers as soon as he sees it start to happen. 

Steve's entire body stiffens, drawn tight like a bow string before he bodily throws himself back out of Bucky's reach. He scrabbles back several more feet. His chest rising and falling rapidly as he tries to suck air into his lungs. His eyes dance back and forth as panic sets in.

Loki vanishes, reappearing at Steve's side. He pulls the blond into his arms. "Steve. Steve, I'm here."

"No. No, no, please…"

"Steve, it's okay, it's me. You're okay," Loki murmurs against Steve's neck. He brings his hand up and cards it through Steve's hair giving him a moment to register the touch before cupping the back of his head in a sure grip. 

The reaction is instantaneous as Steve's body sags into Loki. "I'm here. You're okay. I'm here." Loki continues to whisper reassurances into Steve's skin. 

"What just happened?" Sam's voice comes from somewhere behind Loki. He can tell Sam isn't talking to him. 

"I don't know. We were talking and he… you saw right? I hugged him, then that happened. I don't know what that was." 

He probably shouldn't, but Loki takes a little comfort in how shaken up Bucky sounds. He shifts the hand on Steve's head, just enough so he can run his fingers back and forth. He knows Steve usually reacts well to the sensation when Loki does it. It's the same this time as Steve allows the god to take a little more of his weight. 

"Is he okay?" Sam asks.

Steve's arms tighten around Loki at Sam's question. 

"He will be," Loki responds even as he feels the dampness of Steve's tears soaking into his shirt.

"What happened?"

Loki ignores the question for the moment in favor of softly asking Steve, "you did not tell them?" He gets a shake of Steve's head in reply. "Is it okay if I-" a quick nod answers his almost question.

He doesn't want to take his attention away from Steve so Loki conjures an image, the ghostly outlines from the battlefield in Wakanda. Steve and Thanos locked in a struggle until the Titan lands the blow that knocks Steve to the ground where he lay motionless.

"What did we just watch?" Bucky asks. His voice is pained as though he is afraid of the answer. 

It's Sam who makes the jump first with his medic training. "He died. Thanos killed him and that's where he hit him." He sounds sick. "That's what happened, isn't it?" He asks.

Steve gives a single nod and shudders against Loki's chest as the god somehow pulls him closer. "I'm here."


	13. Steve 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 😬

Chapter 13

Steve

The hand on his shoulder shakes a whimper out of Steve's chest. He is barely able to suppress the involuntary flinch his body tries to make. The touch is warm and meant to be comforting, but it's not Loki. He can tell just by the weight of it. 

"Hey." Bucky sounds unsure and Steve dimley registers that he's kneeling on the ground, chest heaving with the effort of his pain. "We can go inside. That sound okay?"

Steve shakes his head. He doesn't have it in him to move and the thought of possibly having to face anyone else right now makes his stomach twist uncomfortably. 

"Okay. That's okay. We can stay right here."

He can hear Bucky shuffling around. He wants to tell him to go back to the compound and leave him alone with his grief, but Steve can't force the words out of his mouth.

"Do you have an appointment with your therapist already? If not, I can get one set up."

Steve sniffles pathetically and nods. "I've got one. Fat lotta good it does now. Fuck!" He swipes the back of his hand across his nose, vaguely aware that he must look like a wreck.

"It'll still help."

"How?" He looks at Bucky's face, searching for answers that he knows his friend can't give. "I've messed this up so-" he cuts off with a hiccup and covers his mouth as another sob tries to escape. He squeezes his eyes tightly closed until white spots bloom across his vision. 

"What am I gonna do?" It comes out as a whisper, a plea for help as he breaks down again, hands coming up to his face.

"Hey, hey, we'll figure it out." Bucky pulls Steve into his arms and holds him tight.

Steve wishes it was enough to hold all his broken pieces together. He wishes it was Loki holding him. He wishes he didn’t have to feel this pain, so acute and intense it pulls the air from his lungs. 

Bucky’s hands are warm against his back. A comfort that Steve doesn’t deserve. A comfort that turns into a nightmare when he feels the light pressure of Bucky’s hand at the back of his head. The reaction is pure instinct driven by panic and fear as Steve physically throws himself back, out of reach from that touch. 

“No. No, no, please…” he’s lost to it, that moment when his life flashed away into nothing. 

“Steve, it’s okay, it’s me. You’re okay.” Steve can feel a weight settle around him, pulling him back from the depths of his fear. A voice in his ear, whispering his name, a caress of air breathed into his soul. A hand cradled gently, intimately against his head, fingers splayed in his hair in a touch so soothing, so familiar he goes near boneless in relief even as he clings desperately to his salvation.

“Is he okay?” Steve tightens his grip around Loki’s body, ducking his head closer to his chest. 

“He will be.” God, Loki sounds tired and Steve weeps, knowing he is the cause.

He selfishly allows himself to drift in Loki’s arms, willfully ignoring Sam and Bucky as they watch him die in Loki’s illusion. He only nods when Sam asks for confirmation of what they saw. He doesn’t want to see the looks on their faces. Pity, fear, or simple sadness, too much for Steve’s fragile mind to process. 

All he wants is to hold tight to the man in his arms, listening to the calming beat of Loki’s heart, feeling the strength that he possesses, never to harm, only to protect him. 

He feels Loki start to shift and pull back and his mind seizes in a moment of panic even as his body reacts with his hand reaching up to Loki’s neck. He pulls his hand back when Loki's posture stiffens and he leans away.

That movement is enough to break loose the last of his heartache. And he can no longer hold it back. "Please don’t go. I know I messed up. God, I know." He has to salvage what’s left of them because he has no doubt, this is it, he won’t get another chance. "I know that I made a promise to stay by your side. And I broke it. I broke it the moment I ran off into the quantum realm without you. And you still followed. You still tried to stay by my side like  _ you _ promised." Steve swipes at his eyes, smearing the fresh tears that threaten to fall. "I know I keep taking from you over and over. I keep hurting you. I made you feel like you arent important to me. I made you feel like I don't need you. Or want you. I made you feel like I don't love you. But God Loki, I do. So much. And I never even told you."

Loki moves closer, back into Steve's space. He can feel the heat from the god's body. Any movement will bring their bodies back together. Steve longs for that contact. 

He brings Loki's hand up, kissing his palm, before placing it behind his ear to cradle the back of his head, in the very same spot Bucky touched him before. This time he only exhales a breath as though letting go of a heavy weight. "You're the only one that I trust with this," he presses forward and whispers against Loki's lips. He takes Loki's other hand and rests it over his heart. "And with this."

Loki's eyes bore into him. Emerald green and piercing in their intensity. 

"Please. Please say something. Tell me it's not over. I need to know that it’s not too late."

"Steve, I love you, but I can't do this anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this.


	14. Journal notes 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I know I had said only 1 more chapter. But clearly that's not happening. Steve and Loki need more time. I upped the chapter count to 16. That's a tentative guess.
> 
> Also, this chapter is completely different from any of the others. But I felt like this was the best way to do it. It may feel disjointed and jarring, but please bear with Steve through his process.

Chapter 14

  
  


**February 21**

I was told I have to write in this journal. Take it with me to my appointments.

**February 22**

Don't have anything to say.

**February 23**

Feels pointless

**February 24**

…

**February 25**

I don't like doing this

**February 26**

I HATE therapy

**February 27**

Therapist says none of this will work if I don't put in the effort. So here goes.

Loki moved out of our room when we got back.

I think that's enough for today.

**February 28**

Today was hard. Woke up from a nightmare and reached for Loki. I didn’t go back to sleep

I’d gotten so used to him being here, feels weird with him gone. 

**March 1**

Had lunch with Sam today. it was good. He said he’s spent some time with Loki. I’m glad they’re getting along. I’ve talked to him a few times. Trying not to put pressure on him. 

i miss him

**March 2**

Bucky told me he had breakfast with Loki and Sam. I feel a little left out. Bucky said he’s going to try and spend more time with Loki. “get to know my best guy”. That makes me feel at least a little hopeful. I think he feels guilty like he had something to do with Loki leaving

Tried to tell him it was me

I'm the reason Loki left

**March 3**

~~ Don’t even want to think about how many times I’ve jerked off thinking about him. ~~

**March 4**

We took a walk together today. It was good. When we came back he held my hand for a second before he left. 

**March 5**

Therapist asked if I've been eating. Not enough I guess. Trying not to fall back into those habits. Talked to Sam. He and Bucky and Thor are gonna split days to come by for dinner. Seems silly. But I can't go back to the way it was before. 

**March 6**

He came by today. We just talked. Not really about anything. I wanted to touch him. I still want to.

**March 7**

Bucky said he's meeting with Loki tomorrow. 

**March 8**

Bucky said he talked with Loki. Wouldn't give a lot of details. Said I can ask Loki. 

Not sure I want to

**March 9**

Therapist said we can meet weekly instead of daily. Says I've been working hard. Says I should feel good about that.

I guess showing up to my appointments, eating and not fighting him on everything is progress.

**March 10-16**

The normal time for my appointment came and I didn't know what to do. Took a walk, drew a little. It was nice.

Talked to Loki. He said he's been hanging out with Wanda. They're training with their magic. He seems like he likes it. I'm happy for him. He kissed me on my cheek when he left. I didn't ask him about Bucky. 

Went with Sam into the city. It was good. Tried out some new foods. Went through a Street market. I think Loki would like it. Maybe I'll ask him to go with me soon.

Walked in on Loki and Thor sparring in the gym.  ~~ Got hard and had to go back to my room ~~

I've been spending time with Bucky. But trying to pay attention to how much. I think I may have been smothering him. I fucked this all up so bad

Stayed in bed today. Nothing worth getting up for

It was weird not having therapy everyday. A little harder to keep focused. I think I did okay. 

**March 17-23**

Woke up after dreaming about Loki. Cried for an hour

Thor is taking Loki to New Asgard. Only for a few days. They leave day after tomorrow. I asked Loki to have dinner with me before they go.

I think I'm going to cook for Loki tonight. It might be nice. Could be awful. Never was that good. But I've been trying. Part of that whole "eating properly" thing. Following a recipe is kind of relaxing. Gather the stuff, prep, follow the steps. Sam's been over a couple times to eat. Says he's proud of me for not boiling everything. He thinks he's funny. But he's also been showing me some stuff. Helping me learn. I’ve been enjoying it.

Dinner was  ~~ nerve wracking ~~ amazing. Loki showed up early. Said he wanted to help cook. It was hard to be that close to him. But also great. Chicken turned out a little dry. Tasted good though. We cleaned up and it felt so domestic. Just washing dishes. Silly really. But I still liked how it made me feel. Afterwards we sat on the couch and watched  ~~ a movie ~~ part of a movie. Mostly we talked. Told him how therapy has been going. He told me how he’s nervous and excited to see New Asgard. He never went. Back before. I think this trip will be good for him and I’m glad he’s going. Even if I’ll miss him. He told me about his talk with Bucky. He said it was good to hear from Bucky himself that there was never anything between us. Apparently they also agree that I’m an over dramatic stubborn punk. Bucky’s words, I’m sure. I told him I was sorry for the way I abandoned him after everyone came back. I also told him I was sorry for putting so much of my hurt on him when it was just the two of us, before. My therapist says that we have to learn how to be together in this new dynamic. IF we both decide we want that. I want it. I think I can see what we would be like together and I want it so bad. I hope he does too. When he left he kissed me. Just a quick one. I haven’t stopped smiling yet.

They left early this morning. Loki gave me a hug. He touched me, there. Just a brush of his fingers over the back of my head. It was hard not to kiss his neck in return. Someday maybe. I’m hopeful. 

Bucky and I went for a hike today. Wakanda has some incredible scenary. I found a spot that I think Loki would love with a waterfall and a little pool of clear water. Maybe we can pack a lunch and make a day of it. Bucky said I was being a sap, but agreed Loki would probably like it.

He called me today from New Asgard. He sounded so happy telling me all about it. He said something that kind of stuck with me. It’ll never be home like Asgard was home, but they’re building something from the ground up. Creating something from all the good things and adding new ones. Making a new home. I told him that it sounded wonderful. He said he thinks I’ll love it when I get to see it. I  ~~ may have ~~ cried a little when we hung up. Not because I was sad.

**March 24-30**

Had a set back today. Was sparing with Sam and he accidently hit me on the back of the head. Not hard, but just the touch. THERE. Sam helped me. Got me to focus, breath through it. Took a while and Sam felt terrible. It wasn’t his fault. Talked to my therapist, we’re going to work on some techniques to help me when it happens again. Because I’m sure it will. 

Sometimes I hate therapy. And I hate writing in this stupid journal.

Bucky and Sam showed up today. Forced me to get up and go to the outdoor market with them. They said I was spiraling after my panic attack. They're right. But I hate hearing how this process is going to take a long time, years probably. Or I may have to keep working at this for the rest of my life if I want it to happen. That’s another thing I need to talk to my therapist about I guess. 

Today Bucky asked me if I think he’s weak (as he hit me in the chest with an elbow). It hurt too, actually knocked me on my ass. He’s a cheating cheater, who cheats when we spar BTW. I didn’t answer him. Flipped him off instead, both hands. Then body slammed his smug ass. I know what he’s asking. Of course I don’t think he’s weak. He’s been through so much and is still here. Doing his best everyday. Finding things that make him happy. And yes I’m aware that he sees his therapist weekly. Fuck you Bucky. I know what you’re trying to say. 

Loki’s coming back tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.  ~~ Maybe if I jerk off .  ~~

They're back. Loki looks so happy and relaxed. It hurts to think that he was never like that when we were together. I know it was different, but still. I want to try and make him happy like that. I think I can. If he'll let me.

I love him


	15. Loki 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story just isn't ready to be over yet.

Chapter 15

Loki

_ Breathe. _

_ Just breathe. _

_ Breathe. _

He doesn't have much and for that he is grateful. He's not sure he would be able to handle much more. As it is gathering up his meager possessions while Steve watches is almost enough to make him change his mind. 

The blond's face is the picture of misery with his too shiny eyes that threaten to spill over with tears. He tries to ignore the little hitches in Steve's breath with each item he places in his bag. 

_ Just breathe. _

He doesn't know if he means himself or Steve. 

Leaving Steve is painful. It's horrible. His heart feels like it's been ripped in two. He knows he's leaving part of it with Steve. He loves Steve. And Steve loves him. It should be so simple. And yet here he is packing to leave. 

He turns to go and has to resist the urge to throw himself into Steve's arms. He has to stop himself from baring his neck and seeking comfort in his touch. Instead he forces his feet forward and staunchly ignores the sound of Steve's sob when he closes the door.

***

He moves into his own room, well away from Steve's. The idea of running into him hurts too much. For the first few days he keeps to himself, wallows in his grief and fights the urge to go back. 

It's not until Thor knocks on his door and insists, in that cheerfully forceful way of his, to be let in that Loki realizes he has barely eaten and not showered since setting foot in his room.

It felt, not good, but not altogether terrible having Thor around. His bulk absorbed much of the emptiness that Loki was lost in. Thor's concern, which once would have chaffed was comforting, a balm over his raw edges. 

He brought food and sympathy, motivation and companionship. He also brought Sam Wilson.

Loki was wary when Sam trailed in behind Thor with his disarming smile. "I brought lunch," he announced, brandishing a bag. 

Throwing an un-amused look at his brother, Loki gestures to the small dining table. Sam takes it for the invitation it is and begins to lay their food out. 

"I am going to New Asgard briefly," Thor explains quietly while Sam pretends to not hear them speak.

"So you thought to bring me a babysitter? I hardly need that." Loki throws a glance over his shoulder at Sam, who is now sitting quietly at the table. 

"I do not have the time to be babysitting anybody," Sam tells him. "But, I wouldn't mind spending time with a friend." He shrugs his shoulder and turns his attention to his food.

"Is that what we are? Friends?" Loki tries to keep his voice even so as to not betray the mix of irritation and hope he feels.

_Breathe_.

Sam bless him, acts as though he is unaware of Loki's struggle. "If you'd like to be."

Thor claps him on the back and slips out the door as Loki sits at the table and takes the container of pasta that Sam nudges towards him. They eat in silence for a few minutes until Sam puts his fork down.

"Go ahead. I know you want to ask." 

His voice is even, thoughtful. And Loki appreciates Sam not giving him a hard time, so he asks, because of course Sam is right. "How is he?" 

"He's struggling." Sam gives a sympathetic look at the way Loki winces. "This is hard for both of you, but he's seeing his therapist everyday. How have you been coping?"

Loki stabs at his food, twisting the noodles around his fork. "It has been... difficult, being without him. I believe that I was convinced he would suddenly understand what I was feeling. I thought that since we were so close he just knew."

"He may have. That's a conversation you'll need to have with him." He gets up and starts clearing away his food containers. "What's New Asgard like?"

Loki blinks at the sudden change of topic. "I've actually never been."

***

His conversation with Sam, while pleasant, did nothing to prepare him for running into Steve in the garden later that day. The blond looked thinner, drawn in and almost timid as he approached. His hand hovered between them as though he didn't know whether he was allowed to touch Loki or not. 

It hurt. It continues to hurt every time they see each other.

***

He has to remind himself that Bucky Barnes isn't his enemy. It's not easy. Especially when the man is sitting across the table loudly buttering a piece of toast. Loki entertains a few thoughts of snatching the knife and embedding it somewhere in Bucky's body, maybe his neck, or an eye, but he's here to play nice. 

Loki can tell Bucky is nervous. And he understands that feeling well. Despite the wrench his return has thrown in his relationship with Steve, Loki knows how important Bucky is to him. And that makes him important to Loki. Even if he wants to stab him with a butter knife. 

Thanks to Sam, breakfast goes smooth, loud toast buttering aside and Loki decides to call it a success. No one cried, no one yelled, and most importantly no one was stabbed.

***

"Can I come in?"

_Breathe._ __

__

__

_It's okay, just breathe._

Loki had been about to go to bed when someone knocked on his door. He was expecting Sam, maybe Thor back from New Asgard. What he got was Bucky. He had been half expecting this visit since their breakfast. His stomach still twists painfully though. With a dip of his head Loki backs away from the door and follows after the brunet to sit on the couch.

"So I uh, think we should talk. Ya know? Get to know each other."

"Is that not what we were doing at breakfast yesterday?"

"Not really." Bucky lifts a shoulder in a half shrug. "I think we can do better."

"Alright." Loki draws the word out, stalling as he tries to think of something to say. Luckily Bucky beats him to it.

"I'm sure you probably know this, but I wanted to share a few things with you." Bucky waits for Loki's nod to continue. "First off, he loves you. Like a lot. He's also shit at showing it. And a complete idiot."

Loki snickers a soft laugh, amused despite himself, as Bucky goes on. "He's pretty insecure. Always has been. Comes from growing up small and sick I'm thinking. For the longest time it was just him and his ma. And then just me and him. We were wrapped up way too tight, but it's what we had, each other, ya know? And I think it's important for you to know that I don't want to come between you and Steve. I want him to be happy. And he was, even if he was being stupid and spending all his time with me."

"I don't understand," Loki begins as he picks at the throw pillow next to him. "If he was happy, then why did he avoid spending time with me? It was as if once you returned he no longer needed me." He snaps his mouth shut as soon as the words are out. Because it's true, that's exactly what he felt like. Cast aside for someone else, someone better.

"Like I said, he's an idiot. He carries the weight of the world and all of its guilt as well. Especially when it comes to me. Probably something he needs to work through in therapy."

"And you Bucky Barnes? What guilt do you carry?" Loki's tone is light, almost teasing, when in fact he couldn't be more serious. 

"I wish I could have protected him more. Not just from…" he makes a general waving motion with his hand, "but also from himself. Ya know?"

And yes, Loki does know.

_Breathe_.


	16. Loki 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what happened here. Things turned soft.

Chapter 16

Loki

  
  


Speaking with Bucky had been good, reassuring. It was helpful in a way that Loki hadn’t anticipated. It gave him… hope. Hope can be dangerous, but Loki makes the decision to test this new found feeling.

When Steve first opens his door Loki doesn’t say anything, just stands there and basks in the warmth of Steve’s beaming smile. Wordlessly he steps aside and Steve follows him out toward the gardens where they begin to meander the paths, slowing to admire in spots, stopping altogether in others. 

They have walked these paths before, they have spoken briefly, Loki even took Steve’s hand for a moment a few days prior. He knows he should be more careful and guard his heart. He knows he should, but he also has this vision of what he wishes they could be and Loki finds that he wants it. He wants it enough to reach out and take Steve’s hand, intertwining their fingers. He wants it enough to lean in and kiss him on the cheek before leaving him outside his door at the end of their evening. 

***

When Steve invited Loki to have dinner with him, the god was quick to accept. His impending trip to New Asgard has him both excited and anxious in turns. He finds that he wants to share his excitement and his concerns. More importantly, he wants to share them with Steve. It’s this revelation that has him knocking on the door to Steve’s room a little earlier than agreed. 

At the end of the evening, just before he says goodbye, he finds himself leaning in and gently pressing a kiss to Steve’s lips. He forces himself to pull away before he allows the softness of Steve’s lips, the surprised gasp from his mouth and the pleased curve of his smile to pull him in until he never wants to leave. He’s already halfway there. 

***

“Hi!” Loki can hear the smile in Steve’s voice when he answers the phone. He can feel his answering grin spreading across his face. "How's your trip going?" 

"Wonderful! It's quite lovely here."

There's a slight pause before Steve asks his next question, his previous joy subdued. "Do you think you may want to stay there?"

Staying in New Asgard hadn't even crossed his mind. Not really. "It is lovely here. And the people, I feel accepted here in a way that I never did growing up on Asgard. It is... something that I didn't expect. And it is nice, feeling this way. They are building something from the ground up, taking the good and adding to it. New Asgard is the best of its people and it is beautiful. But for all that, it will never be home for me the way Asgard once was. Despite...everything."

"Why do you think that is?" Steve asks softly.

The answer is almost out before he snaps his mouth shut. He's done a terrible job of guarding his heart. "I find I am not done exploring things in Wakanda as of yet." Is what he finally says. 

Steve exhales slowly over the line. "Yeah. I know what you mean."

"You will need to be sure to bring your sketch book with you when we come visit," Loki tells him.

"Yeah?" That single word contains so much hope that Loki can almost feel it. 

He smiles and tries to picture Steve's expression. "As I said, it really is quite lovely. I will enjoy showing you around. Taking you to the fishing boats and the outdoor market. There are chickens and pigs and goats. Bucky likes goats doesn't he? He'll probably like it here too."

The sharp intake of breath over the line is the only indication that anything is amiss until Steve speaks with a watery voice. "Loki?"

"Yes?"

"That sounds perfect." Loki can hear him sniff and knows he's crying. "Thank you."

"I'll see you soon Steve. Take care."

I love you, he doesn't say, even though he wants to.

***

It takes a lot of will power not to just throw himself into Steve's arms the moment he is back. A lot. He promised himself he would guard his heart and so far he's done a terrible job. He loves Steve Rogers. Dammit. He loves him. 

He loves the nervous little smile Steve flashes when they see each other. He loves the bright grin Steve gives him when they meet up to do something. He loves the gentle tentative way Steve touches him, a hand on his back, fingers brushing his arm. He loves the way Steve melts into every kiss, large or small as though it is their first and also their last. 

Mostly though, he loves that Steve is trying. He's trying so very hard. He's going to his therapy appointments and even though he says they're hard and he usually needs a few hours to decompress after each one, he says they help. Loki is inclined to believe him. 

Steve spends time with Bucky and Loki is okay with it. For the most part. He won't deny the twinges of jealousy that he gets. But he also won't feel bad for it either. He's learning to accept those feelings and not to push them down. 

He's also learning that Bucky Barnes is a pretty okay guy. Which is a relief, but also a little annoying. Except for the times they team up to give Steve a hard time. Those times are brilliant. 

***

Every day he spends with Steve it gets a little harder to say goodbye and go back to his own room. Every time he kisses Steve's lips, lingering just a little longer in his presence, Loki wonders if today will be the day he stops pretending to guard his heart. 

Today was especially hard; with Steve's soft lips, his flushed cheeks and the little moan that slipped out when their tongues touched. Loki was ready to hand Steve his heart and pledge to never leave. But not tonight. Soon though. Because he loves Steve Rogers.


	17. Journal Excerpts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last chapter is a little shorter than I wanted, but I think the boys have said all they need to say.

Journal Excerpts 

Epilogue

**April**

I took him to the waterfall. I've been meaning to for a while. The time just seemed right now. We've been spending more and more time together. The entire day was incredible. We talked, a lot. A lot about his childhood. Which was new. He never really talked about Asgard before. He was mourning, the grief hasn't really gone away, but he can talk about it and share it with me. I think going to New Asgard has been good for him. I wish I had been able to help him, but I was mourning too. I understand now that we needed help. We all did. 

I told him about some of the fights I used to get into, which he thought was pretty funny. We decided that if I'd seen him getting picked on as a kid I probably would have gotten into a fight defending him. Part of me wonders what it would have been like to meet him like that. Would we have been friends? More? Would he have been attracted to me like that?

And he told me he's starting therapy for himself. I'm thinking I may ask him about going together at some point. 

We swam in the water. He had these baggy swim shorts that showed off his knobby knees and I don't think I've ever seen anything hotter. Spent a lot of time in the water trying to hide a boner all afternoon like a freaking teenager. 

He held me by the waterfall and kissed me. He was wet and his body was pressed against mine. I wanted him so bad.  ~~ I'll be jerking off to that image for a long time. ~~

\--

I love him so much.

\--

**May**

He went back to New Asgard this morning. He said I could go with him, I think next time I will. 

\--

He came back from New Asgard yesterday. Bucky and I were sparring. He came in, hugged me, said hi to Bucky and then asked if I wanted to have dinner. It felt so good. So right. So normal. That's how it can be for us. All the time. I know it.

\--

Things between him and Bucky have gotten better. Really the issue was never Loki and Bucky. It was me. Sam says I have "zero chill". Sounds funny, it's not. But it's accurate I guess. Something I'll be working on for a long time I suppose. It's worth it. To have both of them in my life, there's very little I wouldn't do.

\--

He told me about his mom. I can tell he really loved her. She taught him how to use his magic. MAGIC! Sometimes I forget all the amazing things he can do. I told him about my mom too. I haven't talked about her in a long time. It hurt, but it felt good to share with him. 

We may have fallen asleep on the couch. We totally did. I miss sleeping curled up with him. I miss touching him. And having him touch me. 

\--

Getting to know him like this has been amazing. He's not the person he was when we first met in Stuttgart or the person who showed up at the compound after Thanos. Neither am I.

\--

**June**

~~ Shit. I don't even. He. We. ~~

A lot has happened. 

HE CAME BACK! 

He's here. Right now. Asleep next to me. 

We spent the day in town at the market. Bucky and Sam were with us. They had wandered off to find this sandwich thing Sam wanted. So Loki and I were alone for awhile. We held hands and walked around. I found a hand woven scarf I thought he would like and bought it for him. It looks great against his eyes. We all met back up and went back to the palace. Loki came with me instead of going to his own room.

We sat on the couch and watched a movie. And he kissed me. I mean KISSED me. Took my breath away. It was just WOW. And then he was in my lap and his hands were all over me, but not like, frantic. More deliberate. Careful. Wonderful.

We made love.  ~~ Not on the couch. In the bed. We moved to the bed. ~~ And it was perfect. I’ve never felt so close to anyone before. We’ve had sex. Back before. But this was different. So much more. I don’t think I really understood what making love meant until now. 

There’s a big difference between that and fucking. We did that too though last night. We did, A LOT, of things last night. Which is why he’s currently asleep. I would be too except I’m too keyed up. 

Right before he fell asleep, I said, "please come back to me."

He said, "don't ever leave."

I said, "I love you."

He said, "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic closes out this series. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, I'd love to hear about it.


End file.
